


Seasons of Our Love

by funfan



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 11:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6283378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funfan/pseuds/funfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Dear Blue Night! You've asked for a Durmeus WIP from me. I'm not sure if this work will be anything you have imagined. I hope you will like it. There will be three more chapters (you will probably guess their titles), and I'll try to post them as soon as possible. I want to thank you for the guidance you have shown me, your friendship and your wonderful stories that make my days over and over again. :-)</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Spring - Marco

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Blue Night! You've asked for a Durmeus WIP from me. I'm not sure if this work will be anything you have imagined. I hope you will like it. There will be three more chapters (you will probably guess their titles), and I'll try to post them as soon as possible. I want to thank you for the guidance you have shown me, your friendship and your wonderful stories that make my days over and over again. :-)

You know you will never forget the first time you saw Erik Durm. How curious you had been about that young prodigy, the defender who had given up his position as a striker to get a chance under Kloppo! You knew that your coach liked him and trusted him, and it was enough for you to give him a chance. But, you wouldn’t have expected the changes this young man brought into your life. He hadn’t just awed you with his football skills, he completely rewrote everything you thought about the world and yourself.

It happened in a single moment. He walked into the locker room on the first day of the summer preparation, and he blew your mind away immediately. Every sound was clearer, the world was more colorful, and your nostrils took in twice as much scent as they usually did. Most importantly, you smelled him. That special fragrance you will never forget. It reminded you of a forest on a mountainside, the tender caress of a light breeze, the warm sunshine enveloping your cheeks. And of course, how could you ignore that beautiful male body that made you think only one word: perfection.

You stared at him dumbfounded, something you didn’t think could happen to you. You were past the age when you would fall in love at first sight and so hopelessly. If Robert hadn’t shook you, you would have probably drooled on yourself, because the sight in front of you was just too much to bear. You suddenly realized that everyone was staring at you and you wished the ground would swallow you up – and if possible, swallow this wonderful human being up along with you. It didn’t happen and you were left in the most uncomfortable situation you had ever experienced.

Yet, you couldn’t care less. Because Erik looked back at you and he smiled. It was the sweetest smile you had ever seen and the brunet’s rosy cheeks turned red as he placed his bag on the bench and started to unpack his things. He was sitting not far from you and you could look at him directly. And you did look.

You inspected him thoroughly. You drank up the sight of his muscles, your eyes wandered down his strong back and feasted on his nipples. Seeing the perfect six-pack sent shivers down your spine and you had to force yourself to stop before you could look an inch lower and embarrass yourself completely. Because there was no way you could have held back a moan.

“Not so conspicuously.” Robert noted as he leaned over to you. He was grinning. He must have found you losing it too amusing. You couldn’t be mad at him. There was only one thing on your mind: the newcomer and that you had to get to know him better. You wouldn’t be satisfied with knowing him only as your teammate. You wanted to share with him all your secrets and doubts and you wanted him to do the same.

 

– – –

 

It took you a week to muster enough courage to actually speak to him. It happened on the third day of training camp. You volunteered to help him out with gathering the balls after a session. You were alone on the pitch with him. You knew what you had to say to him, you had gone over this conversation countless times during the nights spent without a rest because your mind just couldn’t switch off, the image of Erik appearing in front of you whenever you closed your eyes.

And yet, when you walked over to him, and opened your mouth, only a soft whimper escaped your lips. Erik jerked his head up and looked at you with a mischievous smile. He was obviously interested in what you had to say. You could only hope that he would still be interested in you once you would have it said. _If_ you would have it said. The second and the third attempt wasn’t any better than the first one, and Erik finally had enough of it. Apparently, your stammering wasn’t amusing enough anymore. He decided to help you out.

“Yes, Marco?” He raised one of his eyebrows. His voice was sweet and the melody of his speech echoed in your head. It was the best music you could imagine, more intense than any song you had ever heard.

“Um, I was wondering…” Your voice broke again. This was ridiculous. You weren’t a teenager. Couldn’t you admit your interest in him without making a fool out of yourself? “You know, I will be alone in my room tonight… Would you– you know?”

“Come over?” Erik finished the sentence for you. He was enjoying himself very much. You nodded, and he didn’t just ask the question, he also answered it. “I would love that, Marco. That’s very nice of you. I must say, training with the A-team is scary, and I could do with a few friends. You do want to be my _friend_ , don’t you, Marco?” He looked at you pleadingly and you had to gulp. God, how could anyone be so perfect? He opened your mouth again, but your throat was dry and you could only croak, so in the end, you were content with a nod. “That’s great!” Erik clapped his hands together. “Your share your room with Kevin, don’t you?” Once again, you could only nod. “I hope he won’t disturb us. I’m not sure I get his sense of humor.” He mused out loud.

“He– will be– in the city.” You breathed out. His smile widened and he placed his hand on your shoulder. The touch burnt, but you didn’t want it to be over. It still happened though, and the elegant fingers brushed over your damp T-shirt. Erik ran them through his hair sheepishly and he looked at you from under his eyelashes. It was that moment when you realized how beautiful his eyes really were, and you knew that you were lost once and forever.

 

– – –

 

It was just the first of the many evenings you spent together. You didn’t do anything in particular. You watched movies, played FIFA, ate take-away food or – and that’s what you liked the most – you simply talked. It wasn’t like any conversation you had ever had. You could speak freely, without restraints. After the first shyness faded, you felt comfortable and confident in Erik’s presence. His closeness made you stronger and you weren’t afraid that you could say something stupid. Even if you did, Erik only smiled and reassured you that he found it adorable. You blushed every single time he did so.

The only thing you never talked about what exactly this thing you were having was. Not that either of you wanted to name it in any way. Calling it something would have most probably ruined it for you. You were two grown-up men, enjoying themselves, and if you sat a bit closer to each other every time you met, so what? You were allowed to do it. These were the most glorious days of your lives. You couldn’t care about anything. You weren’t surprised when Erik rested his head on your shoulder all of a sudden, or when you reached into the bowl with popcorn at the same time, looking for the slightest touch of your fingers. Neither of you said anything when Erik stayed at your place for the night for the first time. You didn’t know what was going on between you, but you could feel that it was evolving into something bigger, something you had always been looking for.

You became an inseparable duo, and your teammates took it naturally. There was no way they would invite you to a party without telling about it to Erik, and the other way around. It was at one of these parties when you finally realized that you had crossed the line of friendship.

Erik stood up, and he announced that he was going to use the restroom. You found it odd; why would anyone tell you about it? Your bewilderment lasted only a few seconds, because when Erik stood up and started off, he was moving his hips tantalizingly. You watched in awe as the flesh and muscles rocked in an elegant move. You stood up almost against your own will and followed Erik, hypnotized.

It was at Auba’s house – now you remember. The toilette wasn’t big enough for you, but you didn’t mind that you had to push your body against Erik’s to be able to close the door. You felt his heartbeat through your T-shirts, and his aftershave and shampoo filled your nostrils. You couldn’t have wished for a better place to be at that moment.

Some say that the first kiss is always the best one. You know that it isn’t right, but it surely was the sweetest and you will never forget it. It happened magically, just like in cheap romantic movies. You caught his eyes, and you stared at each other for a moment that lasted an eternity. Then, you moved still closer to each other and you parted your lips.

You could feel the connection even before your lips touched. Your hearts beat heavily and felt ready to rip through your ribs when you were only a millimeter away from each other. Mild electric jolts sprang between your lips. You opened your mouth wider, ready to moan, but something swallowed down the needy sound. Not something, _someone_.

Erik’s full lips were on yours, massaging you. You felt his heavy breathing on your cheeks. The kiss started off slowly, but you couldn’t hold yourself back any longer. Your hands moved on their own accord and with one you pulled Erik even closer and your buried the other one in his soft brown hair. His left hand rested on your bottom and his right one held you firmly on the nape of your neck as you deepened the kiss.

Your tongues moved restlessly. It was a fulfilling and playful battle you never wanted to end. You just kept pushing your tongue deeper into Erik’s mouth until one moment, he had enough of it and charged back, making you retreat. His tongue was everywhere, ready to explore your soft mouth. He caressed your palate, grazed over your teeth and pushed his tongue down your throat. It must have hurt him, there was no way his tongue was _that_ long, but you knew he couldn’t care less. Your pupils were blown and it wasn’t the only sign of your arousal.

Your groins were pressed firmly together and neither of you wanted to do anything about it, although you were quite sure that you would come in your boxers like an unexperienced teenage boy. And still, it didn’t bother you at all. For Erik, you could be a stupid teenager embarrassing himself. The big grayish puppy eyes, the two red spots on his cheeks, that wonderful mouth, that body and so much more… they were all worth it. Erik was still half a boy, but at that moment, you couldn’t think of him as such. He wasn’t the team’s young mascot any more to you. He was your boyfriend, your love– your everything.

You wanted it to last for eternity, but eventually, you had to do something about the sharp pain in your chest and you had to pull back with a frustrated groan. You were determined to get some air into your lungs and then continue where you’d left off, but Erik had other plans. He smiled at you and you were lost in his intense gaze. It was like a maze, and you never wanted to find the way out.

You didn’t say anything. How could have words described the emotions emerging in you? You didn’t only miss Erik already, you were surprised that you had survived so many years without him. He returned his smile and you giggled like two schoolboys in the middle of a mischief. Only, you couldn’t care if you would be caught or not. Maybe you wanted to. In that restroom in Auba’s house, the world didn’t matter. You were finally Erik’s and he was yours and you forgot about others living on this planet.

Until a bang on the door. Erik cursed under his breath and set his hair right. You did the same and you headed out of the toilette, but before Erik opened the door, he turned back and gifted you with a chaste kiss. It came as a surprise and you blushed. The next moment, you were in the hallway again, headed for the living room, accompanied by Robert’s stunned look, but your friend was tactful enough not to say a word.

And you didn’t bring up the topic. You returned to the party, enjoyed yourselves, and time after time, exchanged stolen glances. After them, you felt the urge to grin stupidly and your heart was filled with the deep love you have felt for this amazing human being. All your life, you had waited for _the one_ , and you wouldn’t have thought that he could be so close to you. But after that kiss, you heart was one hundred percent sure: Erik was the man you wanted to live your life with. You didn’t tell him that, not there. He didn’t tell you he loved you, either. Still, when the next morning there was a knock on your door and you saw Erik standing there with a bag of fresh buns, you didn’t hesitate to let him in.

You greeted him with a kiss. The first one of your countless good morning kisses.

 

– – –

 

From then on, everything was different– better. You walked a few inches above the ground. You didn’t hide your love in front of your teammates; you weren’t ashamed of it. You kissed Erik’s lips whenever you could, and no matter how often that was, you couldn’t get enough of it. You wanted to feel him over and over again. You wanted to hold him in your arms, lean against him, put your head on his broad chest, purr as he stroked your hair, straddle him, sit in his lap, just be one with him.

Thinking back, it all happened quickly, but it didn’t feel like rushing things at all. You had spent more than twenty years apart, you had a lot to make up for. You clung to each other and never got tired of one another. You made each other’s worlds more complete. You saw brighter colors, the birds sang joyfully, you smelled the sweet fragrance of the flowers, you relished how the soft gusts of wind caressed you, and everything you ate was tastier. Only because Erik was next to you and you could finally share your life with someone. The right one.

You couldn’t wait until you played together and when the day came, it was a football match like never before. You played freely. For the first time since forever, you weren’t a professional. You were someone who loved football and knew how to play it. Your deep understanding with Erik made you an undefeatable duo and the papers glorified you. You always ran to Erik first when you scored a goal and your teammates gathered around you in a circle, hiding you from the curious glances. Then, you stroke Erik’s hand or sometimes gave him a quick peck. You never discussed coming out. Somehow, you knew it would come eventually and you were ready for it. The only question was if the world was ready for it, too.

When the moment of truth came, you held your breath back. On a photo of your after-match celebrations, it was clear that you were kissing Erik’s neck. You didn’t deny it and everyone went crazy for a week. After that, you were an official couple. A normal couple.

You wouldn’t have dreamed that it would be so easy. Maybe luck or destiny was on your side, because everyone seemed to recognize the deep love between you. The haters were silenced and you could live your life openly.

It was like a rebirth. You had never realized that life was so great. Carefree strolls in the city, eating ice cream together, playing in the leaves in autumn, building a snowman and culling flowers for your love. It was everything you had wished for and now, it was part of your every day.

 

– – –

 

One day, Erik moved in. You were surprised, but you helped him with packing his belongings and driving them to your place. It wasn’t a deliberate decision from the two of you. It was spontaneous, just like so many other things in your relationship. Neither of you was a careful planner, not in love. You took things as they came and it was the best possible way. Had you agreed that Erik would move in with you? No. Was it what both of you craved for? Of course it was!

You sealed this new step with a delicious dinner. You cooked it together and you knew you put too much salt in it, being busy with other things in the meantime, but it still was the best meal you had ever had. Erik thanked you with his smiles, and soon, you were feeding each other, cooling down the next bite before giving it to the other one. It was so stupid, you thought, but at the same time, it felt so so right. That evening, you realized that you were created for this: loving Erik and making his life as good as it could get.

You didn’t stop with a dinner. You wanted to show Erik his new home. Not that he hadn’t seen it already, but still, it was different when he had come to visit you. You left the bedroom for the end. Erik had been here many times. He had slept over countless nights. You had slept with your arms around the other one, and you didn’t move at all, waking up in the same position the next morning. You never wanted to part. You were one.

The evening of Erik’s moving in, you really became one. You knew that not many would have believed you if you had told them that you two hadn’t slept together earlier. But, it was the truth. Holding hands, kisses and hugs had satisfied your bodies and you hadn’t asked for more. Or at least, not up to then.

That night, you came four times. You had thought it impossible beforehand, but Erik’s closeness, his ragged breathing, the loving words he whispered and moaned, the air filled with the scent of sex made you crave for more and turned you on like nothing before.

You started with a simple hand job. Only, it was much more than a hand job. Holding Erik’s throbbing manhood in his hand, feeling the veins pulsing under his touch blew your mind away. And feeling his hands on you was much more breathtaking. It didn’t last as long as you would have liked it. Only then you realized how much you have craved for this night. You almost came already after the first touch, but somehow, you managed to hold yourself back. You didn’t want to disappoint your boyfriend, and you willed yourself to last as long as it was needed. It was incredible to experience what the human body is capable of when feelings like love get into the picture.

It was Erik who put you out of your misery. He suddenly stopped and looked at you with a reprimanding and yet amused look. He shook his head playfully and leaned closer to you, his mouth against your ear. “Why are you doing this?” He purred.

The question echoed in your head. Really, why were you doing it? Finally, you were together with the man you loved more than anyone and anything else, and you were going to ruin your night with being bull-headed, only to prove yourself to Erik somehow? What did you need to prove, anyhow? Your love? You had shown it to him countless times, on so many occasions. So what were you actually doing? Something very stupid. This wasn’t a competition, and you didn’t have to last longer. And when you realized it, you came.

Erik didn’t even have to move his hand, and yet, it was the most intense orgasm you had ever had. At that time, you thought that nothing could top it, but time proved you wrong and you were glad for that. The more amazing thing was that you didn’t have to move your hand either to make Erik cum. He only had to see you reach your orgasm. Creamy white pleasure coated your hands and you lay next to each other, catching your breath, a satisfied smile on your faces.

You didn’t let go of each other’s shafts, and only a few minutes later, you were ready to go again– just like two needy teenagers. But this time, you were proud to be a needy teenager, because you were him for Erik, for your love.

You moved next. You climbed on top of your sweet boyfriend and kissed him on his lips and then slid lower and lower. Your tongue left a wet trace on his perfect chest and abs, you licked up the last drops of his climax’s evidence and then took him in your mouth.

His body started to wriggle uncontrollably immediately and you couldn’t believe it. Could it be that you could bring him through so much pleasure? When the realization sank in, you experienced a new level of happiness. You couldn’t remember another time when you were so satisfied with everything in your life. But that second, in your dark room, you felt free of any problems.

You gained confidence and kept pleasuring Erik, giving him the attention and love he deserved. Your lips enclosed his manhood perfectly and you slid up and down on it, sucking it, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. You glanced up at him and you saw that his face and eyes were suffused with lust and pleasure. You were causing this and the next moment, Erik reached his orgasm. Hot semen shot down your throat and you swallowed it. Every last drop of it. It wasn’t enough at all. You needed to taste him more, and yet, making him come with your mouth filled you with a strange satisfaction. You remembered your own jerks-off. They were not even near to this. Could it be that pleasuring another human being was much more sating than your own pleasure? Now you knew the answer was yes.

And still, a few minutes later, Erik made you reconsider your opinion. His tongue was everywhere around your rock-hard cock. It swirled, licked, teased. And you came. It was almost painful for a second, as your muscles contracted and your load erupted out of your manhood. Erik was ready for it and he kept sucking you through your orgasm until you felt like you had been drained completely. This was heaven on earth, and you feared that it was only a dream and someone would wake you up the next moment. It didn’t happen and you finally accepted that you could actually be this lucky. This was all true. Erik was next to you, and he was yours, just like you were his. A strong bond that nothing could break.

You weren’t sure if you should have made the final step, but there was no turning back. After two incredible orgasms, you wouldn’t have been completely sated if you hadn’t felt Erik inside you. You needed him to fill you and claim you. When you opened your mouth to tell him that, he was quicker. He blurted out the same thoughts that had been on your mind.

You must have gone crazy. Yes, that was the only logical explanation. It couldn’t be that Erik had uttered the words _take me_. But, he moved and reached into your nightstand. You had no idea how the bottle of lube had gotten in there. It must have been Erik’s work, because you hadn’t thought this far. You wouldn’t have dared to, although this was the right time to finally get together in the physical way.

Erik shot you an encouraging smile and he pushed a good amount of lube on your fingers. You watched it incredulously and your hand shivered as you reached out for him. You placed your digits on his rosebud gently and started to massage him. He moaned and whimpered so hard that you honestly thought that you were hurting him. But he told you to keep going and you pushed your finger inside him. He got hard immediately and a single drop of pre-cum trickled out of his slit. You caught it with your other hand and licked it up. He tasted so good, you weren’t going to waste any of that precious essence.

Soon, you were pushing into him with two fingers and you widened him enough to take him. You lined yourself up. You took a deep breath and he did the same. It was an incredible moment, something you could never describe. You really became one that moment. You were on the same wavelength and you cried out in pleasure in unison when you thrust forward, his hole slowly swallowing your length. Your legs started to shake and you collapsed on him. You couldn’t take it. This was too much pleasure. His walls clenched around you perfectly, the soft pulsing of his body massaging you in all the right places. You would have come like that if Erik hadn’t begged you to move.

It was a real struggle to control your muscles, but you set up a comfortable rhythm. You aimed deeper and deeper into him, searching for that one spot that would set Erik’s world on fire. When you found it, Erik came again. His orgasm was bigger than before and he pulled you with him. You came a second later, filling him with your load. All power left you and you lay down on Erik. Your bodies were sticky from sweat. You sobbed as you tried to cope with the joy that had entered your life all of the sudden. Erik wrapped his arms around you and soothed you throughout this emotional moment. You weren’t ashamed of the teardrops rolling down your face, and he understood why you were crying.

You fell asleep like that. It wasn’t more than a shallow slumber that lasted only a few minutes, but you woke up completely refreshed. Erik greeted you with a soft smile. All of his love was visible in that smile and you mirrored him. Then, you reached for the lube and put it into his hand. He understood.

He sat down between your legs and you couldn’t wait for him preparing you. It felt painfully slow, although Erik didn’t tease you at all. He only wanted to avoid hurting you. He kissed your rosebud a dozen times and then licked it, pushing his tongue inside. Then, his fingers took over. He pushed them in carefully, wary of every little flinch of your face, stalling when you needed more time. It wasn’t the actual physical sensation making you crazy with lust, it was the tenderness Erik showed you.

You saw stars when Erik finally pushed your manhood into you. Your tight tunnel was stretched into its utmost limits and your high-pitched squeal gave away your excitement. He felt perfectly in you, as if your bodies had been created to fit each other completely.

His thrusts felt like someone was massaging you from the inside. Your soft flesh sent jolts of pleasure into your whole body as Erik’s skin grazed over it. You needed more fraction and it made you relaxed. Now he could push deeper into you and when he hit your prostrate, you couldn’t hold it together any longer. You couldn’t tell when your latest moan finished and when a new one started. Your lungs screamed for air, but the only thing you could really care about was the tender ministration you experienced in and around your groin, and the beautiful face looking down at you.

Your last orgasm completely drained you. It was a wonder that there still was something in your balls to start with. But, there was, and the proof of your pleasure shot out in short and fast jets, pooling on your abdomen.

Erik followed you over the edge the next second with a strangled moan. You could feel his semen paint your walls and it felt so amazing. Erik had made you his own and you finally belonged to someone. To the most incredible human being who had ever walked on planet Earth.

 

– – –

 

The years passed and you grew older, but you never grew out of your love with Erik. You spent your careers at Dortmund. You were an inseparable duo and not only on the pitch. Nothing could get between you. You never had fights, because there was one thing always on your minds: love. How could you be bothered with petty issues if you were busy loving your boyfriend?

When it was time to think about retirement, you bought a new house in the outskirts of the city. You wanted to live in seclusion, in your perfect little world. You both dreamed of that, and there was nothing that could stop you. You chose the house together, you went to look for furniture together, you painted the rooms together. It was meant to be the home of the two of you for the rest of your lives, it felt only natural that you made all the decision as a couple. You couldn’t even think of you in any other way. You were one. Not only a couple. A family.

You moved in and you were in the middle of the preparations for your last season. You were sitting in your new living room, spread out on the comfortable leather couch. Your head was in Erik’s lap like nearly always on your lazy evenings. He stroked your hair the same way he had done it all those years ago after you had met. You two were now older and different people, but between you, nothing had changed.

Erik suddenly lifted your head and you sat up. Something was going to happen, you knew that as soon as you saw his face. He was nervous, it was clear from his eyes. Your heart missed a beat. You were concerned that he was going to tell you some horrible news. But the next moment, the penny dropped. This wasn’t bad news. This was the best possible news you could get.

He didn’t kneel down. You didn’t even want him to. He just turned towards you, looked you deep in the eyes and he uttered the question that made your life really complete.

“Marco Reus, will you marry me?”


	2. Summer - Erik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part is here, and it is a bit different than the first one, but I want to show the changes in a long relationship, and I hope that it will be noticeable in this chapter. Please, let me know what you think about it.
> 
> Dear Blue Night, you know I'm not experienced in most of the topics that I address here, but hopefully, I managed to portray them the right way, and you will enjoy the second part of your gift. :-)

If anyone had told you that at thirty, you would be multiple time German champion, the winner of the German Cup, Europe and World Champion, you would have laughed at them. If someone had told you that you would be wringing your hand, anxiously waiting for your wedding, you would have definitely urged them to visit a psychologist. And yet, all of that was true for you, and it was no secret which one mattered to you the most. Yes, feeling your stomach tight as a knot and your heart pounding somewhere in your throat was bad, but at the same time, the reason for it made you so much happier than any victories you have experienced.

Your friend Matze stopped behind you and put his hands on your arms reassuringly. He wanted to calm you down, but how could he? You were going to say the most important words in your life, and bind your life together with your love’s. Not that you ever doubted your decision. You had made it easily and there had been no second thoughts. And you were convinced that it was the same with Marco. But, it still was a special day and you wanted it to be perfect. Not for yourself, but for Marco’s sake. Your amazing boyfriend deserved it.

By the time it was time to leave, you were on the verge of a heart attack. You kept going over the mental list of everything you needed to do during and after the wedding. You had spent the last few months planning everything, not forgetting about a single detail, and you were quite sure that you were over prepared. Your parents and your sister were waiting for you in front of the room. Your mother cried as she looked at you, Lisa simply hugged you and wouldn’t let go of you, and you could see even your father fighting with his emotions. They were all happy for you, and you thanked God for such a supporting and loving family for the umpteenth time.

On your way down the corridor into the huge ballroom where you would tie the knot that would hold you and Marco together for the rest of your lives, you met your other family. Marco’s parents and sisters looked as moved as your own, and they were all smiles when they spotted you. They had never tried to stand between you and Marco, instantly realizing that their Marco had found happiness by your side. They had taken you in as a member of their family, and you had been utterly grateful for it. With your family living at the other end of the country, you needed the support they gave you, and you could never thank them enough for what they had done for you and the man you loved so much.

The room was crowded. At first, you hadn’t planned to invite a lot of people. You thought of a wedding with only the closest relatives present, but there had been so many friends supporting you throughout the years, people you simply had to invite, that your guest list just kept growing and growing. Now you saw joyful faces everywhere you looked: childhood friends, teammates, coaches. They had all come to be a witness to the biggest day of your life, and you were happy to share this moment with them.

You relaxed a little bit, but as you got closer and closer to the huge table at the end of the aisle, your anxiety returned. No matter what the officiant behind the table did, she couldn’t calm you down. You checked the clock just when it turned three. The ceremony should start now, but Marco was late. The biggest nonsense crossed your mind and you freaked out. What if your love had changed his mind? Before you could think it over, the huge doors were open and Marcel appeared in the door. Behind him stood his best friend, the love of your life. Marco Reus.

You almost started to cry when you saw him. He was beautiful. No, he wasn’t just beautiful. He was that all the time. But now, in a tailored suit, with his hair styled into perfection, freshly shaven and walking towards you with a straight back, you felt like you were watching a miracle walking on earth. And this miracle would be all yours within a few minutes.

Seeing that Marco was as anxious as you were was soothing a little bit, and when your fiancé stepped next to you, you couldn’t help but squeeze his hand. He smiled at you and you blushed. Everything was normal again. Marco had dispelled the rainclouds gathering around you. The sun was shining again on your life and you knew what you had to do.

The officiator started her speech, but you didn’t hear anything she said. You could only care about the amazing human being only an arm’s reach away from you. You longed to touch Marco, but you knew you had to hold back. Only a couple of minutes, and you could touch him whenever you liked.

You had no idea how fast time passed, and soon, you found yourself facing Marco, Marcel stepping next to the blond and gave him a ring. You reached out your hand, and Marco took it gently. He looked you in the eyes and told you more than any words could express. Still, you would never forget his speech.

“Erik Durm, I’m crazy in love with you,” he started, and everyone in the audience chuckled. “I consider myself the luckiest person to know you and to know you to be my fiancé. But, I’m also an insatiable man, and I have to admit, that this isn’t enough for me. I want you to be more than my fiancé, and I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I was when you proposed to me. I finally realized that one day, I would be your husband, and you would be mine. Well, the day has come. So, if you haven’t changed your mind, I will put this ring on your finger and bind our lives together. Nothing can separate us, because nothing is stronger than our love. Do you want to be my husband, and make me the happiest man that has ever lived in this world?”

“I do.” You stammered and almost collapsed when you felt the golden ring around your finger. Matze stepped next to you and gave you the exact facsimile of the jewel adorning your hand. “Marco Reus!” You found yourself talking. You had no idea where you had found the strength to do it. Your whole body was shaking and only your love’s smile helped you through this hard time. “I’m not sure if I can tell you a speech similar to yours. I had one prepared, but your words made me forget mine, so I’ll keep it simple. I love you. I have loved you ever since I saw you for the first time, and I will love you until the end of my life. _Till death do us part_. It’s not just a phrase. I am ready to give you my life, share everything with you. Good and bad, although by your side, I’m sure that good things will prevail. Do you want to do the same for me?”

“I do.” Marco nodded and your trembling fingers put on the ring on his hand.

And just like that, you were married. You gave some time for the realization to sink in, and then, you finally wrapped your arms around Marco and pulled him in for a kiss. It was your first kiss as a married couple and it was so much more special than any kiss you had had. You would have liked to kiss Marco for long minutes, but you were interrupted with the guests clapping for you. You turned towards your family and saw all of them shedding the tears of happiness. Marco held your hand and you walked down the aisle again, this time as a couple: two married men who would never leave each other.

 

– – –

 

Your honeymoon was the happiest weekend of your life. At first, Marco wanted to go for a tropical island, somewhere away from the world, spend two days on a yacht in the middle of the ocean, but you convinced him to try something different. You rented a small cabin in the mountains. It didn’t have electricity and honestly, you had no idea how you would cope with the circumstances. Not many would have chosen extra work on their honeymoon, when they were supposed to celebrate their fresh marriage. But both of you were up for the challenge, and you hoped that relying on the other one would make your bond even stronger.

It was a rocky start, but after the first afternoon, you found a habit that worked. No electricity also meant no distractions, and you spent every waking hour in each other’s company. And you were busy, you can tell that much. Your wedding felt like a fresh start, so you had to do a lot of things for another first time, and you were eager to cross out as many things as possible on the long list. It was incredible how much you still desired each other. Your body had lost no interest in one another, and you were as lively in bed as ever.

After you found physical satisfaction, you remained lying on the hard mattress, your arms wrapped around Marco and staring at the ceiling. You planned your future together. Marco had already retired, and you were before your last season. It had been so hard to say goodbye to your love as your teammate; you even considered finishing your own career, but Marco didn’t want to hear about it. He came to watch all your games, and he had bought another season ticket right next to his own seat, for the matches when you wouldn’t be in the squad. Then you understood why he was so adamant for you to keep playing. You got to know him from another side of his personality: not as a footballer, but as a loving fiancé supporting you from your home. And you fell in love with him once again.

“I want a kid, Erik.” Marco uttered the wish that had been on your mind for a long time. Both of you had been thinking about it, but neither of you had brought it up until now. It was a silent understanding between you. You were sure of your love, but you wanted to seal it officially before making the next logical and needed step. Now, all hurdles had been cleared, and nothing could stop you from adoption.

You didn’t say anything to Marco’s confession. You simply looked at him and gave him a long and passionate kiss. Your husband had read your most secret thoughts and you were glad that he had uttered this wish instead of you. It was like that in your relationship. Sometimes, you took charge, other times, it was Marco taking the lead. You complemented each other and never felt oppressed. You lived in harmony and it was already so much more than most of people had.

“I’d love that.” You finally reassured Marco and you smiled at him. He let out a sigh of relief as he snuggled closer to you. You stroked his hair and he drew small circles on your abs. His tender touches sent shivers down your spine. So many years had passed, you had changed, but your love was still the same. It was strong, passionate and untouchable. Deep down in your hearts, you still were two young men lost in loving the other one and you saw no chance that it would ever change. Now, the only question was if it really was so, and if you could really be more than a couple. A real family.

 

– – –

 

You weren’t the religious type, you had never been. You went to church when you were a small boy, only out of duty, but later on, you started to look for God in your own way. And you noticed that the proof of his greatness couldn’t be found only in huge cathedrals, but the simplest things: the sunshine warming you on an early spring day, the smile of a beloved one, a morning hug giving you energy for the day or the giggle of a small baby.

Your baby. As you looked in the wonderful and innocent light gray eyes, you had no doubts about God watching you and guiding you through life. You could feel his attentive glance watching over you, and you had found it in the face of your son. He was only a few months old. His mother had left him at the door of a hospital, unable to look after him, and when child care contacted you, your heart told you that your time had come. After one year spent with trying to convince the authorities that you could be the loving parents of a child, you got your chance and you were determined to make the most out of it.

Marco looked as touched as you, completely lost in the baby’s eyes, as well. He smiled at the little boy, and then he looked at you. The tears welled up in his eyes told you everything you needed to know and described your own state, too. This couldn’t be real, and yet, it was. You had everything you had ever dreamt of, and you had more.

Of course, raising a child wasn’t pleasant all the time. He woke you up in the middle of the night and wouldn’t go back to sleep, he was looking for your attention all day long. You were exhausted, but taking care of him was never straining. He was your son, after all. Your son, Ben.

The nurse who had found him had given him this name, but it couldn’t have been more suitable. _Blessed_. That’s how you felt about yourself and Marco, and that’s what you two wanted to be the little boy’s life like. You would do everything in your power to protect him from hardships, and when you were too weak to stop him from getting hurt, you would be there to soothe him and help him find his strength again. It was a silent oath you had made to yourself, but you would keep it, no matter what. If you would have to give up everything for Ben, so be it, you would do that without hesitation. Just like you would do the same for Marco. Now, the two of them were your everything.

 

– – –

 

Time was passing too fast. The years you spent now at home went by quickly, and they felt like just a rapid succession of images and moments that warmed your heart. Ben’s first careful steps, playing with him for hours, picnics in the park, and so on. But, your most special moment still was that afternoon when Ben called you Papa for the first time. Somehow, that one with struggle uttered word made everything so real. Before that, you had already loved Ben as if he was your biological son, but as he looked at you and blurted out those two syllables, you felt for the first time as his father. He considered you his dad, and there was nothing more you could have asked for. Your heart was filled with happiness.

And still, you were the happiest only when you saw the two persons who meant the most to you together. Marco was an amazing father. He always had time for Ben and if he could choose, he most probably would never have left the baby’s side. He never forgot about you, either. You were one family, and nothing and no one could get between you.

Before you knew it, you were taking Ben to kindergarten, and then to school every morning. You didn’t even realize how quickly your days were running by. They were all perfect for you, and it was a time in your life that felt like it would never end, but the marks on the wall where you recorded Ben’s height as he grew climbed up gradually and there were more and more candles on his birthday cakes.

The little boy was growing up, but you didn’t feel like you were aging. Your love for Marco was still the same, and even after you finished your career, you tried to stay in shape as much as it was possible. You found a routine for your days, but they never got boring, because you enjoyed every second of them so much. How couldn’t you? You were living with and for your beloved ones. You were cooking for your own family, you were washing your son’s clothes and you put away his shoes he always kicked off in the hall.

Your life was whole and the idea that anything would go bad didn’t even occur to you. Even if things went wrong, you felt sure to tackle them with Marco by your side. You drew your strength and power from the other one, and just when one of you would start to feel down, the other one stepped up and heard him out, comforting him and encouraging him, helping him out of his bad mood. You first questioned if it would work forever when Ben stepped into his teenage years.

It was a sudden and a hundred and eighty degree turn. The boy who had been all smiles and would go into details about his days at school and his time out with his friends was grumpy and barely spoke all of a sudden. Somewhere deep in your mind, you had feared that this stage would come, but it caught you by surprise nonetheless. You weren’t really stunned by the fact that it happened, but rather by the nature of this change. It felt like a strange being had captured your sweet son, and he wouldn’t let him go, no matter how hard you tried.

Marco was as clueless as you yourself, and you could only exchange helpless glances when Ben slammed the door in the face of one of you. At first, you kept reprimanding him, but soon you realized that it was only making things worse. You tried desperately to remember how your own teenage years had felt like, but it seemed that a little dwarf had been up and doing in your mind, carefully erasing all the memories you needed so much now. Even if you could recall them, you weren’t sure how much they could help. The world had changed so much since you were young, you couldn’t pretend to understand what Ben was going through.

And the heaviness of this thought hit you even harder. You were too old. It was simple as that. You had grown up and the youth seemed to be the members of a completely different race. Obnoxious, overconfident and living in their own world. When you shared your concerns with Marco, your husband laughed at you and gave you a loving peck on your forehead. He said that it was the nature of all things and that it was alright. He reassured you that Ben would grow out of his rebellious years, too, and he would become the caring son once again, you only had to be patient. It was the first time you couldn’t believe Marco’s words, but you tried to believe them at all cost.

 

– – –

 

Then, disaster hit again. Ben brought home a girl. Your son wasn’t only growing up, he seemed to be very much interested in girls, as well, and with that, he started to live a private life and you weren’t part of it. It bugged you. You kept repeating to yourself that it was alright, that you should give Ben the privacy he needed and show him that you trusted him completely, but it was so hard, even if you knew it was the right thing to do from the bottom of your heart.

How could you be calm when this girl laughed so carelessly with your son? They even went for walks and they held each other’s hands! They kissed in front of you and suddenly, you weren’t the most important person in Ben’s life, and you had to watch the proof of it day after day. But what troubled you the most was that Ben’s girlfriend understood him better than you did. Other than that, she was a beautiful girl with a huge heart, and you couldn’t have asked for a better companion for your son. Maybe that was the reason for your mixed feelings. Could it be that you were jealous of her?

Their love was growing and you feared that it would soon come to the ultimate step. You didn’t kid yourself, you knew that it would come to it. Ben and Greta were two teenagers, they wouldn’t stop at kisses and hugs, and it was only natural. But it put you into a very uncomfortable situation and reminded you of an equally inconvenient responsibility.

You wished the ground would swallow you up when you sat down to have the talk with Ben. You stammered and blushed, and you couldn’t look him in the eyes. He didn’t make your job any easier, either. The worst thing was that you didn’t know what to tell him. You had never been interested in girls, and sure, you knew what was going on between a man and a woman, you couldn’t speak from first-hand experience. It was a disturbing barrier between Ben and you. There was a difference between you that could never be overcome, and you had to accept it.

It was much easier for Marco. He took things playfully, and didn’t seem to understand the seriousness of this situation. Or maybe he didn’t think that the developments were so dramatic. He teased you for your extra-care, but when you really looked into his eyes, you saw the same concern lurking there.

Not that you didn’t like Greta. You got along very well, admitting the role of the cool parents, and you chatted and talked, showing the teenagers that they could count on you, that your house was always open for them. But whenever they left, you could sense a strange vibration from Marco, so subtle that no one else would have noticed it. When you looked at the blond, you saw his eyes sending warning signals towards Greta: _don’t hurt my son_!

Still, it happened. One day, you found Ben curled up in his room and crying. It already was an offense punishable by a deadly glance in his world, but you made the even biggest sin of asking about what had happened. He stared at you for a minute and then told you how Greta had betrayed him and left him for another boy.

Your heart sank and you were mad at this girl who could have made Ben so happy, like Marco made you happy, but you didn’t care about her. Not anymore. Your only concern was lying on the bed before your eyes. You sat down next to Ben and tried to console him. You knew it was pointless, although you had never had a really serious relationship apart from your everlasting love for Marco. You still knew that Ben would be hurt for some time, but that he would heal naturally, every day getting better than the one before, until a moment would come when he would fall in love again, and a new relationship would start that could easily take him through the same course again. But you couldn’t tell him that. He needed you now, and he needed you to support him like you had always done.

So you did that and Ben did the unthinkable: he thanked you. Your heart missed a beat and you felt the love of your son returning into your life again. It was a moment of understanding. Ben had grown up, and he didn’t need you every day like he had needed you before. But, at the end of the day, you knew that you would be the one he would come back to when he needed support, solace and new strength. You were the person he could always count on, Marco and you. And it was the best role in the world you could imagine.

 

– – –

 

You somehow survived high school. Ben was a smart boy. Much smarter than either Marco or you. His teachers never ran out of praises for him, and they sent him to various contests. He performed exceptionally well, and his Physics professor urged him to pursue a career in science. He enjoyed learning about new things, and soon he started to read frighteningly long books you didn’t understand the title of. It was all gibberish to you, but Ben seemed to have found his place in those books and you were glad for that. It was your luck that it was so, because you were sure you couldn’t have helped him if he needed some explanation.

You were so proud of him. Your former teammates, having kids now too, kept complaining about how their children spent most of their time out, and they had no idea what they were doing, and you just sat there with Marco and exchanged a self-conceited look. No, this wasn’t one of your problems. Ben mostly stayed at home, buried in his books, and you actually had to force him to go out sometimes. You didn’t know where it was going and what would he become, but both Marco and you knew that he was on the right track, he was doing exactly what was the best for him.

And it allowed you to relax a bit and spend a lot of time with your husband. Not that you had abandoned each other, but being a father and also a husband wasn’t always easy to manage. You also needed something different with Marco, it wasn’t the love of two young men anymore. You had never wanted to grow up, because you feared that you would lose the love and enjoyment of so many great things in life, but you realized that only new things came into their place; you never ran out of things you appreciated.

You didn’t go into clubs anymore to dance, and you stopped visiting bowling alleys, too. Instead, you had dinner in quiet restaurants, sharing an intimacy that had been unbeknown to you earlier, and then took a stroll in the city. The spontaneous drives to shopping centers and cinemas and busy city centers became rarer and rarer, and you started to relish the calmness of nature, going on hikes in the beautiful German landscape, especially in your birthplace, the Rhineland. You might have become a Dortmunder, but you didn’t forget your roots, and you visited your parents as often as you could.

They saw the change in you, but they never showed any sign that they would be displeased with it. They looked at you with the same loving and proud eyes, something you didn’t understand for a long time. Yes, you could imagine their pride when they saw you playing on the pitch, raising a title or a cup you had just won with your team, but surely, there was nothing to be proud of when you were just an average man, sitting at home and enjoying his early retirement with his love.

But, becoming a father changed everything. You now knew very well that parents didn’t need any particular reason to be proud of their child. It didn’t take big accomplishments or results to have your heart filled with joy and a feeling of satisfaction. Whenever you saw Ben holding a door for a lady, or helping an elderly with carrying their heavy bags to their car when you were out shopping, or just smiling at a passerby, a stranger he didn’t even know, you felt the same pride your own parents must have felt whenever they looked at you. It wasn’t just the knowledge that your son was a good person, it was also the certainty that you had done a good job and you had brought him up to be like this.

You were proud of Ben all the time, but you would never forget that special day when he came home from school cheering and shouting. He had applied for a scholarship at one of the most prestigious universities in the United States, and just before his graduation, the result came: he was admitted. Your boy, your sweet little boy, would get the chance to learn from the greatest scientists and work with them. The biggest minds in Physics acknowledged his talent, and it was an unspeakable joy for you. You didn’t really know who these people were, or what exactly Ben was talking about when he went into detailed explanations of topics he had read about in one of his books, but you clearly saw how much it meant to him, and you supported him.

But another part of your heart was also weeping and Marco was completely on the same page there, you could see it. You were truly happy for your son, but you still dreaded the day when he would get on a plane and leave you. You knew that it would happen, and you didn’t want to stop him. Strange as it was, now it was easy to let him go and live his own life. You understood what a huge step it was for him, because you went through the same when you left home to pursue your dreams and become a footballer.

On the day of Ben’s graduation, you put on your best clothes and went into his school to watch him say farewell to his school years, to his teachers and his childhood in a way. You didn’t want to cry, but you couldn’t stop yourself when you saw him with a straight back, wearing suit and looking like an adult. You cast a glimpse at Marco and saw him struggling with his emotions, too. You reached for his hand and squeezed it and you shared a smile as Ben was called up to the stage and the headmaster congratulated to him on his results. You drew in a shaky breath and let the moment’s beauty sink in along with the most thrilling and at the same time so frightening realization.

Your son had grown up.


	3. Autumn - Marco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are addressing more melancholic topics and stages of life, but I hope you will still stay tuned and find something nice in this phase of Marco's and Erik's love. :-) Thank you for all of you who do.

After almost twenty years, your home was quiet again. It was one of the strangest feelings ever. Ben had flown to America a week earlier, and you still couldn’t quite accept that he was gone, living his own life now. You kept his room’s door shut and only went in there during your big house cleans. Otherwise, seeing the empty room would have caused so many strong emotions that you didn’t want to deal with it. Your little boy had grown up, and while it was one of the most amazing things you had ever experienced, it was also incredibly hard to admit. Because it meant that not only Ben had gotten older, but you, too.

You faced the obvious proof of it every morning when you looked in the mirror. There were deeper and deeper lines on your face, wrinkles on your hands, your skin was losing some of its softness, and moving wasn’t as easy anymore. You still lived an active life, as much as you could, but it just wasn’t it, not anymore. Your body complained more often, sending danger signals regularly. At first, it annoyed you, but slowly, it became just another part of your life, and you got used to it. It wasn’t so bad that you couldn’t have lived with it anyways. Mostly, because you had the most wonderful human being by your side to take your mind off all your worries.

Erik hadn’t changed at all. Yes, there were some wrinkles around his eyes and maybe his hair was getting lighter, but his arms held you as strong as ever, his lips spoiled you all the time and his beautiful smile hadn’t lost its playfulness and juvenileness. He still had the features of a young men, they had only gotten clearer throughout the years. And still, you couldn’t care less about his looks. It wasn’t his pretty face you had fallen in love with. It was something much more precious, something you couldn’t see with your eyes, but felt every single day ever since you two had met. It was Erik’s vibrant personality, the one that pulled you in right at first sight and hadn’t let you go since then. Not that you wanted to get out. It was a luxurious prison, something that offered you more than you could have had on your own. Together, you were much more than just two men.

There wasn’t a day when you didn’t thank God for bringing Erik into your life. Somehow, he had become such an important and crucial piece in your life that you just couldn’t imagine living without him. You longed to reach out for him in the morning, to feel the mattress shift under his weight as he turned towards you, smiled at you and gave you your morning kiss. His hair would be ruffled and the sleep would still be sitting in his eyes, but in the matter of seconds, the grayish depths would fill with love – love for you. Outside, there could be a thunderstorm, or heavy snowfall, it didn’t matter to you. That loving look in the morning was the only sunshine you needed and it warmed you for the rest of the day.

You never missed a chance to have breakfast together. Previously, you hadn’t been able to keep the pretense of it being nothing more than a casual breakfast, with a hand wandering over to the other one, or maybe resting on his thigh. Now, those touches were rarer. You didn’t speak with your bodies anymore. Your love confessions found a new way to emerge through your glances, words or simply your thoughts. The love, the passion, the fire was still there; but its manifestations had changed. You usually read the news in the morning – different newspapers, you had never managed to agree on that, not that it troubled either of you. Sometimes one of you snorted after reading an article, and the other one would ask what was going on. Then, you talked. It was as simple as that, and yet, living it felt like the biggest present of your life.

You always were the most interested in the sport articles. You never stopped caring about football, you couldn’t do that. It was a part of your life, it made you the man you were. At the beginning of each season, buying two season tickets was the first thing you did, and you attended as many matches as you could. You had taken Ben with you, too. Now, it was only Erik and you going to the BVB games, cheering with the thousands, looking at the pitch that had been the scene of so many great memories in your life. You missed it. It had been so hard to stop, but your body couldn’t cope with the rigors of a sportsman’s life anymore. Still, after your retirement, for two years, you woke up with your legs itching to step onto a pitch again and kick the ball.

You missed football, it was the only void in your life. Erik had it easier. He had found other things to occupy his mind. He read, he started gardening and he picked up his guitar again, trying his best to learn as many chords as he could. You tried to copy him, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing could fulfill you as much as the sport you had been crazy about all your life. You found yourself watching football games all day long, listening to the experts in the studio and wondering what it would be like to sit there and share your thoughts on a game.

You never uttered this wish, but you didn’t even need to with Erik being by your side. He didn’t say it out loud, either, he simply started to ask you about your notes on a game now and then, challenging you until you elaborated on a half-sentence that seemed clear to you. You hardly noticed what he was doing, until one day he concluded one of those discussions with a suggestion that took you aback.

“You should definitely write for a journal.” Erik said and you stared at him with your mouth hanging open.

It took you a second until the penny finally dropped. From the two of you, it had always been you who needed more time to realize the obvious. By the time you understood what Erik had been doing for the past months, he was smiling at you, mischievously, but at the same time, his eyes were pleading for forgiveness. He knew very well how much you hated when he acted without being asked, especially in matters that affected you. Not that you were mad at him; it wasn’t a big deal after all: he had just prepared you for another career, one you hadn’t thought about.

After that afternoon, there was no turning back. Erik had planted the seeds of your thoughts and you started to look for chances to get publicized. You called some of your former teammates who sometimes made appearances on TV. They were excited about the prospect of having you working with them. They never even asked why you had waited for so long with it. They knew very well that you had needed those long years with your family. You had been the star of Dortmund for most of your career, it was only natural that you had wanted to rest. But now, you were ready for a new challenge and you were going to face it with the same approach you had had as a football player. You would try as many times as needed, willing to take a step back and grow if the next step would turn out to be too much for you, but you would never lose sight of your goal.

It was a nice plan, but you hadn’t taken into account that you weren’t a young man anymore, full of life and energy. Even before your new career could have started, doubt crept into your mind and you just couldn’t get out of there once it hand found ground to grow. You simply had too much to make up for; your new colleagues had an advantage you couldn’t overcome. They knew more about football than you, and your experience didn’t matter much. The game had changed in the twenty years you had spent away from it.

Of course it was Erik who kept you going. Whenever you faltered or got discouraged, he stepped up and pushed you forward with a gentle word or two. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and he practically erased that word from your dictionary. He gave you long sermons about how important it was that you found something to keep you going. _I don’t want to live with a grumpy old man who only sits in his armchair and grumbles all day long_ , he often joked, but at the same time, he was so so right. You couldn’t lean back in your comfy chair and say that your life was done. Yes, you achieved a lot as a football player. You also had brought up a kid the best way you could, and you lived in an amazing relationship, but there was still so much more you could work for.

And you did fight. If you knew only the half of what others knew, then you read and learned twice as much as they did, and soon, you became a regular contributor of the biggest football journals and soon after that, a contract awaited you on the living room table along with a pen. They wanted to have you on TV and thanks to Erik, you only had one word on your mind you could say to that offer.

 

– – –

 

If there was something you hated about your new job, it was that it often asked you to leave your home for a day or two, which meant that you couldn’t be as much together with Erik as you wanted to. But, it still worked out for you. With the love you two shared, it couldn’t have been any other way. The hours you spent apart only sweetened the days you could spend together, lying lazily on your couch or on a recliner on the back porch overlooking your wonderful garden. Erik was doing a great job and he had turned out to be very talented in gardening. You always had fresh vegetables and fruits on your table and they tasted so much better than anything you could have bought in any shop. You could feel Erik’s love for you on them.

You had never been afraid of your future with Erik, mostly because the present with him was too good to be ruined by doubts and worries. And you had been right; you had never had any reason to question if this thing between you could work for the rest of your lives. You would have been crazy to ask yourself if one day something would change so much that you would end up not loving Erik. It was simply impossible.

You walked through different phases of your lives and relationship with so much ease and with so swift transitions that you didn’t notice anything of it. If there was a problem in your life, you couldn’t recall it after a month, because this thing you two created was much stronger than anything that could have troubled or even harmed one of you. That was your secret: you were never alone. There was always someone you could go home to, and you did your very best to be that someone for Erik, too.

You didn’t even know how it was possible that two people could live in harmony for such a long time. Yes, you had fights now and then, but they never made you forget the one fact that was more important than anything else: that you loved Erik Durm and that he loved you. It was the only truth you knew in your life and you knew that it would still stand true if everything else would change in the world around you. You had sworn an oath to be by his side until the end of your life, and it wasn’t an empty promise. You were his and would always be. It was the only way you could exist.

 

– – –

 

Ben came home to you as often as he could. He looked more radiant on each of his visits. He had found his place and you couldn’t have wished for more for him. He was your sweet little boy and he would always stay that. But he was a man now, and you saw it as clearly as Erik did. The first day of Ben’s visits, you two would lie awake in your bed and smile under your breath and look at each other with a feeling of satisfaction. If there was one thing that could make a parent the happiest he could be, it was seeing their child happy. And Ben was happy.

He was top of his class, and already worked together with his professors on big projects. He went into lengthy explanations of what exactly he was doing and you heard him out politely, even though you didn’t really understand what he was talking about. The sheer emotion and passion he put into his little lectures was enough to convince you that the thing he was explaining to you was the coolest and most awesome stuff imaginable.

He usually stayed for one week around Christmas and then two weeks in the summer, and after that, he was gone again. Of course you talked over the Internet every three or four days and you knew very well what was going in his life. You read so many sad stories about parents and children becoming distant, but luckily, you didn’t get to experience any of it. It was as if you were having to face only the good part of life and you ended your every day with saying a big thank you for it – and you tried to give back as much of it as it was possible. You loved Erik every single day, you talked to your family and visited them regularly and you helped anyone you could, because you only thought it fair to not only enjoy the great things in life but to do something about them being preserved.

The most amazing thing about this was that the more you gave, the more you got and nothing made it more obvious than Ben’s visits. You had literally given everything you could when he was growing up, and now, when he came home from time to time, he couldn’t thank you enough for it. He never quite uttered it, but you saw the gratitude in him whenever you looked at him. And when his time in Germany was up, and it was time for you to take him back to the airport and see him fly across the ocean, you didn’t do it with a heavy heart. Ben was going back into a place where he felt the best, and you were ready to let him go there without any hesitation. Your parents had never tried to stop you from chasing your footballing dreams, how could you deny an own life from your son?

 

– – –

 

After four years in America, Ben didn’t come alone. She was his schoolmate and when you saw them together for the first time, you instinctively looked at Erik. The glances Ben and Emily shared reminded you of the ones Erik and you had shared at the beginning of your long love. Emily was the one for Ben and you knew it with certainty. Judging by the huge grin on Ben’s face, you suspected that he knew it, too. This wasn’t like his earlier relationships at all. This was serious and you accepted the possibility of it right away. This love would last for a lifetime.

Ben’s next visit came earlier than usually and you could imagine one reason for it. You were right. When you picked them up on the airport, you looked immediately at Emily’s hand and the simple silver ring on her ring finger. You didn’t say a thing, only smiled at them.

You had thought that it would be harder for you to deal with this. After all, you would lose Ben once and for all. He would become someone else’s. He wouldn’t be your son any more. He would be someone’s husband, and later, he would have children on his own who would call him Daddy. But, you didn’t see any of that. You only saw Ben being happier than before, and you wished for him the wonderful life that had been given to you. He didn’t deserve anything less.

You spent your next summer in America. You got to know Emily’s family. They were as nice as she was. They opened their door for you and they never treated you any differently than they treated their own relatives. You knew that it was only a matter of time until you would become that.

You stayed at Ben’s place. He lived in a small house with Emily and you almost started to cry when you saw a photo of Erik, Ben and you above the mantelpiece. You couldn’t remember anymore where it had been taken. It had to be at one of your summer holidays when Ben had still been a little boy. Still, he kept it and he didn’t forget where he had come from. He didn’t forget you and it was all you needed to know.

You looked over at Erik, and you saw his eyes gleaming in the sunlight. You stepped closer to him and grabbed his hand. He squeezed yours and there was a silent understanding between you. It was always there, but on those special moments when it made itself easy to sense, you felt like all physical boundaries between Erik and you vanished and you became one being. Two bodies, but your minds and souls connected. That night you didn’t say a word as you lay next to each other, waiting for sleep to come. Both of you thought about the same thing: the happy future Ben was looking forward to. It would be a happy one, you had no doubt about it. There were no guarantees of course, but you were his parents and you had always felt if something bad was about to happen to him even before it happened. You thought about him, and there were no such feelings this time. You could let him marry Emily and become hers with the certainty that he would be in good hands.

 

– – –

 

They got married only after they finished school. You flew to America one more time to live through another wedding, but this time in a completely new role. You hadn’t thought about how your parents had felt on your wedding, you were all too busy with your own thoughts and nervousness to really ask yourself what was going on in their minds. Now, you realized how much it had meant to them. You couldn’t tell them that yourself, both of them had died a few years earlier, a loss you hadn’t thought that you would be able to overcome.

All your life, your parents were the fortress you could return to, to hide from the world and gain new strength. They were the ones who stood behind you all the time, who sacrificed everything they had for you to chase your dreams. You had never had the opportunity to thank them. Your mother had always said that you could thank them the most by being good and you had done your best to do just that, but it still didn’t feel appropriate at all. When you went to visit them in the cemetery and stood at their grave, you didn’t think about the pleasant moments you caused them. You could only remember the sorrow you had brought into their lives, and you were mad at yourself. You could have been so much better.

If it hadn’t been for Erik, you wouldn’t have gotten over your grief. Your father had been the first one to go, and your mother had followed him after just a few months. It had been a double blow and you found refuge in your husband’s arms. Erik gave you a shoulder to cry on, he smuggled a few positive thoughts into your mind, and slowly but surely, he helped you to find your footing again. But it wasn’t until the day of Ben’s wedding that you could really forgive yourself for the missed chances to thank your parents.

Yes, now you understood that for a parent to see his or her child happy and a good person was the biggest gift and no one needed more. When you entered the room where Ben was getting ready for his big moment, you looked at him in awe. He was a handsome young man, your little son and you were about to say a sort of a farewell to him. It was hard, but as with so many other things, you did it together with Erik. You let go of Ben with a final embrace and a few whispered words wishing him happiness.

At the ceremony, you rested your head on Erik’s shoulder, and he lay his head on your head, snuggling closer to you. Another great chapter of your life was closed, but you felt like a new one had just opened. You hadn’t stopped being Ben’s parents, but you still understood that from now on, everything would be different between you. Now you were really alone with Erik again, your son living his own life, having his own family. Time had passed, there was no point in denying that; and when you returned to your home in Germany, you started enjoying the days of two old men.

 

– – –

 

Your days were spent in a certain monotony, but you never had enough of it. Simply by being next to Erik, you found something to enjoy all the time, his presence, if nothing else. You never doubted that you would spend the rest of your life on his side, but now, you had to lean on each other. You were getting older and weaker with each passing day. It wasn’t horrible, but you felt your energy getting limited, and you could see the same change going on in Erik. You tried to take it with a pinch of humor, like you had always done. There you were, two aged men who couldn’t take care of themselves anymore, but who still found the energy to take care of each other.

You had to give up analyzing football games, too. You simply couldn’t do it anymore, you didn’t have the energy needed to put into it and you had never been able to give average performance. You wanted to be top of whatever you were doing and thinking about it, you now knew where Ben had taken it from.

The kind of seclusion Erik and you lived in had its positives. You could come up with countless examples of two people getting distant because of the time they spent together, but it wasn’t like that for you. You could never get mad at Erik. You still carried his breakfast into his bed on some mornings, other times it was him doing the same for you. You never grumbled about him leaving his books all over the house, you put them away for him so he would find them. You also put away his gardening equipment exactly the way he would. You knew that otherwise, he would start looking for it fuming, and you didn’t want to see him like that. You wanted him to be the kind and always joyful man you had fallen in love with, and you had the power to help him stay that. You taught each other and you made each other better; and it was the most amazing thing that could happen to anyone.

Many people spent their lives chasing happiness. You understood that happiness wasn’t something to be chased. It wouldn’t fall into your lap one day and make you grin. Happiness was a chance given to you, but you had to take it, work for it to make it yours. Good things didn’t happen to anyone without reason. Yes, the world gave you opportunities, but you had to add your own part of the equation to get the desired results. It was something that living with Erik made you understand and you made it a part of your life. No, you wouldn’t let anything ruin your mood. No matter what would happen, you knew you had a choice. And you would always choose the way of happiness.

Life always gave you moments that reminded you of this golden rule. The latest and probably the strongest of them happened to you on another visit of your son. When you arrived at his home, not two people were waiting for you. There was a little angel sleeping in her crib. Your granddaughter.

It had been almost twenty-five years since you held Ben in your hands, and now you could see the same smile when you picked her up. Yes, a baby’s smile was the purest thing in the world. It was so natural and not a hint of sorrow or sadness in it. Every baby needed that sort of innocence and dose of happiness, because life would throw bad things at them once they grew up. Somehow, you believed that it was that happiness, hidden in the core of your soul that made you go on and take on the next challenge. And moments like this, when you experienced this pure truth first-hand always got you in harmony with yourself.

 

– – –

 

As little Jess was growing and getting stronger, your own strength was waning. It was harder and harder for you to take care of your health, and you saw more concern in Erik’s eyes. He didn’t say a thing, but you noticed the small signs. He cooked healthier food for you and filled the bathroom cabinet with vitamins. He wouldn’t let you carry heavy things. Neither of you spoke about it, but you knew where this all would lead.

Even if you didn’t utter it, you couldn’t ignore the protests of your body. It was letting you down and you couldn’t do anything about it. There were days now when simply getting up was too much for you. But, you still kept on the mask of a strong man as much as you could. You didn’t want Erik to see how bad the situation was. You didn’t want him to trouble himself. You knew what he would say to you: _you stupid, stubborn man_. He would be right. But you didn’t want to admit what you already knew at the bottom of your heart. Not because of yourself, but because of Erik.

But it was impossible to go on like that. One day, when Erik went to visit his sister, you made the step that you should have done long ago. You wanted to put an end to your worries. You wanted to know what was going on with you.

You received the news with a strange calmness. It wasn’t really news for you. Still, the crude reality should have shocked you, brought you down or get some sort of reaction from you. It didn’t happen. You nodded when you heard what was wrong with you and drove home again.

Erik returned the next afternoon. In the evening, you were sitting on your old couch. You never threw it out, even though the leather was now seriously damaged and the cushions almost flat. But, there were so many memories binding you to this piece of furniture, you couldn’t say goodbye to it. It was one of the first things you had bought for your new home together with Erik. It was the place where so many things had happened. You always sat there in the evenings, watching TVs, telling the other one about your day. Yes, you lived together, and back when you were active footballers, you even worked together, but there were still things to share and talk about.

You had always been sincere to each other, telling everything and you didn’t know any other way to live in this relationship. You took a deep breath and glanced at Erik. He pretended to be immersed in the TV, but you saw that he was expecting a talk. He must have sensed your nervousness. You wanted to tell him everything, but at the same time, you didn’t want to start that conversation.

This couch was where Erik had asked you to marry him, you couldn’t say the words that would hurt him so much right here! Surely, there had to be another way, another place, another time. You could keep your head in the sand for one more day. Erik had just come back to you, you were supposed to celebrate his homecoming. This could wait… even if you didn’t know how much time you had.

It was the final argument that you needed to make up your mind. You had promised to be by Erik’s side in good _and_ bad, and he had promised the same. You would disregard all of that, everything you had ever done for each other if you kept your mouth shut right now. You needed to be honest to him, even if the outcome of it wasn’t what you wished for.

You let out the breath you had been holding in for a long time and turned to Erik. He was already looking at you and his finger was on the mute button in the remote control. He flung his arm around your waist and pulled you closer. You thanked him silently for supporting you even now when he most probably knew what you were going to tell him. But how could you say it? How could you mention the end of what you had built up during those long years? You didn’t have the strength to do it.

So you did what you had always done when you felt too weak. You rested your head on Erik’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. It never failed to power you and it was the same this time. You sat up again, because you needed to look him in the eyes when you talked to him. He deserved that much. In the end, you said it the easiest way possible.

“Erik, darling. I’m sick.”


	4. Winter - Erik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, the final chapter. It will be the saddest one, and I'm aware that it isn't for everyone. But I still hope that many of you will find what you are looking for in it, and you will enjoy reading it. Thank you very much for giving this story a try, it was a special journey for me, something that I haven't written before, and I must say that I enjoyed it very much.
> 
> Dear Blue Night, with this chapter your gift comes to an end. I hope that you really liked it and will remember it with a happy heart. :-)

He was gone. Coldness spread out around your heart whenever you thought about it. Marco, your love, your everything wasn’t there for you anymore. You woke alone in a cold bed, you ate alone in a silent kitchen, you watched TV buried in your thoughts and unable to focus on the screen. You had thought that it would hurt. It didn’t. You only felt numbness and no pain. You couldn’t even cry. The shock of Marco’s passing had left you dazed for days and you weren’t sure what you would have done without Ben being there with you. You were incapable of doing anything, making decisions, and look after Marco’s funeral.

You had been by his side all your life, well, at least for the meaningful part of it. You had barely spent a night apart since you had started dating each other. You had grown together and now you felt like someone had taken away half of you. The half that mattered more. You couldn’t compare it to anything. You had never felt a void like this in your life. Before you had met Marco, you had simply felt empty; now you knew what was missing. You knew what it had been like with the one by your side, and you couldn’t imagine how you could go on without him.

You had been through good and bad, and in Marco’s last months, there were more bad things, but your love had never faltered. You had stayed there for him, you had fought with him even when it had been obvious that he was losing this battle. You were fighting with a force so much stronger than you. For the first time in your lives, you experienced what it was like to face something bigger even than your love. It was scary, but you never showed it. You had to be brave and strong for Marco. He couldn’t see you weak and tired. He needed you and you would be there for him. You had been there with him during the good times, you couldn’t betray your love with fleeing the first time when things didn’t seem that rosy.

You remained by Marco’s side, watched him get thinner and weaker with each passing day. During the nights, you lay awake in your bed, listening to his breathing, dreading that it would suddenly stop and darkness would swallow you up. It was horrible, if you wanted to be honest to yourself, and yet, you wouldn’t have chosen anything else. You had promised to be Marco’s no matter what, until death did you part.

In the end, it was only death that could win over you. It happened on a sunny early summer afternoon. You were sitting on the back porch, looking at the garden Marco had come to love so much. You were holding his hand, focusing on the subtle pulse, counting each and every one of his heartbeats. He was thirsty and you stood up to get him a glass of water. Before you entered the house, you turned back in the doorway, as if you felt that it was the last time you saw him alive.

His eyes were closed, his gray hair shone in the warm sunshine, his wrinkles seemed to have faded, and his lips curled up in his oh so sweet lopsided smile. It was the way you wanted to remember him, and it was exactly the way you did.

Whenever you closed your eyes, Marco appeared in your mind like that: resting on your back porch, gathering his remaining strength for his final journey. When you returned to him, you didn’t need to check if he was gone. You knew it. You felt it in every cell of your body. You walked over to him, kissed him on his forehead and stroked his face. You whispered a soft goodbye and you called Ben. He was already on his way home, but he couldn’t get there quick enough to be able to say farewell to Marco. You knew he never forgave himself that.

But in the upcoming days, he did everything for you. You could barely remember what had happened then, you were overcome by Marco’s death and you couldn’t notice even at least something of the world around you. You slept, you ate, you walked and signed some papers, but you didn’t know what they meant or why they were needed. You lost your lust for life and all the tiredness you had suppressed for the past months had emerged all of a sudden, burying you under an avalanche.

You let Ben handle the bureaucracy, and you locked the door of your bedroom, lay down and slept as much as you could. You wanted to cry, but you couldn’t. Crying would have meant admitting your loss, and you didn’t want to believe that Marco was gone. You wanted to keep him. Death couldn’t be so cruel and take him away from you! You needed him! You couldn’t exist without him anymore!

You hated yourself that you couldn’t cry. You couldn’t face yourself in the mirror and you couldn’t face your son and his family. You couldn’t talk to Marco’s sisters or their children. You didn’t want to come out of your bedroom. You wanted to stay there together with the countless memories you had shared with Marco. You wanted to dwell in them, relive them before they would meet their inevitable fate and fade and be forgotten slowly.

Ben told you about what Marco would have liked you to do: to go on, to live for yourself and for your family, but you couldn’t take his advice. You couldn’t go on. You couldn’t close this chapter of your life, because it would feel much like the end of not only one chapter, but the whole book itself. Life without Marco was meaningless and you didn’t want to prove this wrong.

 

– – –

 

You couldn’t remember much of the funeral. There had to be hundreds of people there. Relatives, friends, teammates, coaches, fans, all those people who had loved and respected Marco. You couldn’t believe how many of them came and you drew strength from it. You sat in the front row, the closest to the coffin, staring at the shiny polished wood, but seeing Marco as you had seen him on that last day: smiling at you. And then, in the sanctity of the little chapel, in the middle of a grieving crowd, you understood the need to carry on.

The priest was giving a long and beautiful speech, Mats gave the speech in which he recalled Marco as a footballer and the amazing human being he was, but you didn’t listen to either of them. Inside, you were making your own piece, saying your own goodbyes and going over your own memories. Your strength returned step by step and by the time it was time for the private burial only the closest relatives could attend, you had found what you had been looking for all along: the way to continue living. It was Marco who had shown it to you, and you knew that you had to take it. You still loved him and you couldn’t let him down.

As the coffin was lowered into the grave, and Jess threw a single flower onto the coffin, you found yourself crying. At first, only a single teardrop rolled down your face, then another followed and before you knew it, you were crying in streams, and there was no stopping to the flood of grief and sorrow that also brought relief with it. Ben stepped next to you and you pushed your head against his shoulder, crying your heart out.

You didn’t know what was going on. You should have felt Marco leaving you forever, as the ground swallowed his body up. Instead, you felt his presence get stronger, as if a part of his soul wasn’t leaving this world, and stayed here, with you, moving into you. There you understood it: you didn’t have to say goodbye. Marco would be there with you, no matter what. Yes, it would be different, but you could make the most out of your situation, just like you had always done when he had been alive. You were determined to go on and you knew that you could. You couldn’t be together anymore, but that didn’t mean that Marco had left you. You weren’t alone.

You stood by the grave for almost an hour, and it was only the cemetery workers’ arrival that made you leave. You went home with your stomach clenched into a tight knot. You were anxious to make sure that what you had felt was true. You wanted to check if Marco was still there in your home. The moment you entered the house, you knew he was. You felt his presence. You didn’t see him, and you hadn’t gone mad: you knew that he was dead. But still, everywhere you looked, you could feel a part of him, his legacy, the world he had left for you.

 

– – –

 

Ben asked you to go with them to America and live with them. You couldn’t say yes to it. He didn’t understand it, but everything you had ever built was here, in Germany. There were so many memories binding you here. You couldn’t just turn around and start anew. He wouldn’t get it, he was still young and you remembered that you had been much like him. Back then, Marco and you used to laugh about the elderly who couldn’t throw out an armchair that was completely used up. Now, you were such an old man, but you couldn’t care less.

Everything in your home held so many memories, everywhere you looked, pleasant moments came to your mind. You couldn’t change your couch, although sitting on it was far from comfortable. How could you just throw it out when you could see the signs of years of usage on the cushions, the place where Marco had sat, or where you had lain cuddled up on so many evenings? How could you say goodbye to the coffee table with a nasty white ring on it where Marco had once left a wet glass? How could you fall asleep without the bed creaking under your weight as you turned? No, you had to stay here and continue what you had started with Marco.

You thanked Ben for his generous offer, but you declined. He looked at you with concern, but you reassured him that everything would be fine. You didn’t feel old, weak or sick. You had been wrong: your book wasn’t finished yet, and it had indeed been just a chapter that had come to a close. For years, you had written the story of your lives together with Marco, but now, it was time for you to take the quill and continue the thread alone.

Your life wasn’t done. You had to find a way to go on, find joy again and enjoy the time that had been given to you. That’s what Marco wanted you to do, and it was what would be the best for you. He had never expected anything else from you. It felt almost like an exciting new challenge and you were looking forward to it like a small kid.

Ben stayed with his family for another week. There wasn’t a day when he didn’t try to convince you, but you were adamant; in fact, your determination only grew. The more time you spent in your home that didn’t feel so empty anymore, the firmer you were in your conviction that you had to stay there and continue where Marco and you had left off.

In the end, Ben flew away and you stayed. He had made you promise that you would call him right away if anything bad happened. You were touched by his concern, but you wanted him to live his own life. That’s the most anyone could do for themselves.

 

– – –

 

Your new life was better than what you had dared to imagine. It took you some time to get used to living on your own, but you managed it. Interestingly, you didn’t change much about your life. You still slept on your side of the bed, leaving the other half intact. You still sat in your chair, although nothing stopped you from sitting down on the one opposite. You drank your morning tea from the cup you had been using for the past years. Your daily routine didn’t change much, but still, it wasn’t completely like it had used to be.

You knew that many cracked under the pressure of losing someone, but you wouldn’t give in. You knew that happiness wasn’t a right, you had to aim for it and work for it. A happy life wouldn’t just happen to you. And you had had a happy life, you weren’t going to throw it away after Marco’s death. You still had dozens of reasons to enjoy every minute that was still yours. You realized that hiding in your bedroom had been a horrible decision and you were glad that your common sense had returned.

You went to football matches, you spent time with your family and you traveled as much as you could. At first, Ben had watched you carefully, never quite expressing his worries, but you could see it in his eyes when you video chatted. He was either questioning your sanity or maybe he was worried that you were just running away from reality, building your own world where everything was fine. But everything _was_ fine. You could understand his worries. The Erik from before Marco’s death would have looked at you the same way. Earlier, you simply couldn’t imagine to go on like this without your love. You would have thought that enjoying life without Marco would be unfair. How could you look for new experiences when you didn’t share them with him?

But now you knew the truth: you weren’t doing anything without Marco. He was with you, in your heart, in your soul, in your mind. For long years, you had been building a life and a world, his death couldn’t erase him from it. No. You weren’t alone, and you weren’t doing things only for yourself.

There wasn’t a day when you didn’t talk to Marco. When you lay awake in your bed, waiting for sleep to come, you told him about your day, and you felt like he was listening to you. In a way, he was still alive, living somewhere deep in you. You had spent years together, implanted part of you in each other’s souls. You could easily tell what Marco would have said to one thing or another, and it gave you a feeling of security. You could feel him watching you, taking care of you even from the afterlife. Only, it didn’t feel like he was somewhere up in the skies, instead, he was in you.

And he was happy, because you were happy, too. Sitting at home and mourning would have surely killed you, weakened you, consumed you. Why would you stay in one place and accept that you were too old to do anything and just wait for the end? That wasn’t you. That wasn’t Marco, either. He had never given up and pushed his limits as far as he could. You had to do the same.

Of course, it wasn’t exactly like it had used to be. You didn’t move that easily anymore, you couldn’t take long hikes in the forests, and you most certainly couldn’t climb even the smaller mountains. But, the world offered you so much more. You drove around in the country, went to see Germany’s greatest sights, and most importantly, you enjoyed yourself. There were so many things you hadn’t done, and now, you had the time to do them. You had given up so much for your family and for Marco. Not that you minded it, those were the greatest years of your life, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t find nice things in your present.

For a month, you went back to your homeland, and lived with your sister. You hadn’t spent much time with her after your wedding to Marco, and you wanted to make up for it. It was like a therapy. The vast and endless forests, the fresh air, the time with your family filled you with new energy and joy. You hadn’t felt this young for years, and the tiredness that had overcome you after Marco’s death slowly but surely vanished. You spent time with Lisa’s children and grandchildren, and by the time you returned to Dortmund, because no matter how happy you were, you could be as happy as in your own house nowhere else, you felt like a young man looking forward to the challenges life would bring for him.

You returned to your garden and your books, and yes, you were saddened whenever you cooked and you had to prepare just half that much as before, but that couldn’t bring you down. Not when you felt Marco’s care each day. For years, you hadn’t even realized what he had done for you. It was much more than just love. His support, the way he had stood by your side and you had done everything together, created a world where you felt comfortable and safe. He had left you in this world, and you had no doubts that it was a conscious effort from him. He had known that he was leaving, and he had made small arrangements to make your life a bit easier.

It couldn’t be an accident that Nico, whom you had always considered your own son in a way, came to visit you almost every day. You inherited a bank account from Marco where he had put his savings, and there was enough money there to take care of all your needs, not that you had ever had to worry about money. Even months after Marco’s passing, you noticed little signs of his care and affection and it sweetened your days, never allowing you to get really sad and desperate. After all, you didn’t have any real reason to be sad.

 

– – –

 

The winters were hard, though. On the long cold evenings, you really felt Marco’s absence. You were forced to stay inside your house, because your body didn’t take the cold well anymore, and you found yourself trapped with your thoughts and memories. Not that they were gloomy, or something to get away from, but still, you started to feel a certain sadness when you remembered how easier winters were with Marco. You had sat in your living room, snuggled close and you talked and kissed. Now you had no other choice but to be on your own and spend time with yourself. And you weren’t the human being you loved the most.

In the end, you flew over to America and stayed by Ben’s. Emily was pregnant again, and you helped her out in the household as much as you could. Your days were mostly about playing with Jess, even though she was entering her teenage years. But, you rarely saw each other and she felt it as much as you did. Ben seemed to have accepted your new lifestyle and that there was nothing wrong with it, and his concerned glances became rarer.

You found joy again, and it was easier than you had thought. Life gave you a lot of opportunities to be happy, you only had to grasp them and you were lucky enough not to miss them once they arose. It was something you had learned from Marco, although you were sure that he would have told you the same the other way around. But it had been just like that. When you had been together, you seemed to be able to do more than on your own and the two of you understood things that one of you couldn’t have. As much as you could tell, Ben’s marriage was like that, too.

You saw a family living in harmony, and you were proud of them. You loved them and they loved you. It was unconditional love, the true kind that only families could share. You could have preached about it to a stranger for hours or even days, and yet, he wouldn’t have understood it. It was one of those things you had to live and experience first-hand to be able to grasp the concept.

What struck you the most surprising during your stay in America was Ben’s friends. There was hardly a day when no-one came to visit him or Emily at home. You knew that for a happy life, it was as important to know whom to surround yourself with, as it was to look out for what kind of person you were. And Ben was winning on that field, too. Colleagues and neighbors, even students sometimes came to see him, to have a chat with him. And they knew who you were and treated you with respect and kindness. You knew what it meant: Ben talked to his friends about you, and while it was a simple thing, you understood the magnitude of it. He was proud of his parents, the background he had come from, and he didn’t try to hide it from anyone. Just like a good child would.

It was strange that you wanted to meet his expectations and didn’t want to disappoint or embarrass him. It should have been the other way around, after all, it was usually the child caring about what his parents thought of him. And there you were, well past your sixtieth birthday, and you sat relieved in your armchair when you saw that Ben, the person you had sacrificed so much for, was proud of you. It wasn’t that unnatural, or it certainly didn’t feel so. It was the result of the only feeling that could make you question if you really were such a good person and gave everything for those around you: love.

 

– – –

 

One evening, you were sitting in Ben’s living room with him, sipping red wine. It was a cold night, there was no one in the streets, everyone looking for refuge from the winter inside their cozy homes. The fire was lit in the fireplace and you listened to its crackling while you watched the flames dancing in so many forms and moves. As you stared into the fire, your thoughts took you back into the past and made you think about your future at the same time. Maybe you really should have left Germany and move here, to value what was the most important in life.

“Dad, can I ask you something?” Ben suddenly spoke up. You jerked your head up and looked at him. A man in his early thirties was sitting in front of you, but for a moment you saw a toddler running towards you and embracing you when you came home.

“Of course.” You smiled at him.

“I know that it will sound strange, especially coming from a scientist…” He hesitated. “But do you sometimes feel like, you know, Daddy is still here, watching us?” He croaked out sheepishly and he quickly shot his eyes down, as if he was trying to avoid embarrassing himself.

You smiled to yourself and said: “I’m not the only one, then.” He looked at you again, and he was smiling, too.

“I miss him so much.” He said. “And at the same time, it doesn’t even feel like he’s gone. I have never realized how much you have taught me. But, when I left home, I was packed with everything I have ever needed to stand on my own feet and get through life. There wasn’t a moment when I had to stop and ask myself what I should do. I knew it instinctively. And I know that I have to thank you for it. You have made me the person I am, and I couldn’t have become a better man than the one I am. And I wish I could tell Daddy that, but it’s too late…” His voice broke as a teardrop rolled down his face.

You put down your wineglass, stood up and walked over to him. You crouched down, looked him in the eyes and said: “He hears you and he knows.”

A bittersweet smile spread across his face and you stood up and hugged him. He pressed against you and started to sob, crying the tears he must have been keeping in for months. You stroked his hair and hushed him, just like you had done so many times while he had been growing up.

“Do you think that I’m doing the same for Jess? Do you think I am a good father?” He asked when his tears finally dried up. You looked at him again and started speaking.

“You are, Ben. You are a wonderful man, a great child, a loving husband and a caring father. You teach Jess everything she needs to know and you support her in everything. There’s not anything more you could do for her. I know how demanding your job is, but you always have time for your family, you always have time for me, and I am truly grateful for it. You are full of concern for your loved ones, and you make sure that we all feel how much you love us. You have had the most amazing teacher in that. You are just like Marco was, and believe me, Emily, Jess or I couldn’t ask for more.”

 

– – –

 

Winter couldn’t last forever and when the weather got warmer the slightest bit, you booked your flight back home. No matter how great you felt in Ben’s house, you knew that your place was in Germany. You couldn’t fight your homesickness, you didn’t even want to.

On the first day of spring, you set out for your beloved garden. You had learned so many things during the long hours you had spent with gardening. It reminded you so much of life. In spring, you planted the seeds. You had an idea about how the garden would look like after the plants would start growing, but still, it was a long road until then. They needed a lot of care and attention. You had to treat them with patience and love, making sure not to let weeds strangle them. And all that effort without any guarantees. You couldn’t be sure that the plants would grow to be strong and bear fruit. There was only your hope and determination pushing you forward.

Your favorite season was summer. Then, your plants were the strongest and healthiest. They didn’t need as much care, they could almost look after themselves. They were strong enough to fight with weeds and pests, but you would have been irresponsible if you left them on their own. They still needed you and you loved walking among them, admiring the result of your work during the spring. You had created something and that something was growing and living on its own, it only needed you to make a few altercations before things could get really bad. And yet, it wasn’t what gave these plants reason to exist.

It was autumn, the time of harvest. When you looked at the crates of fruits and vegetables, you couldn’t stop being amazed by how wonderful nature was. The plants you had planted and tended to created something on their own, something that you could use and enjoy, something that materialized the whole point of life. The delicious fruits and vegetables were the reward for your work and effort, everything why you had planted those plants in the first place.

Most plants reached the end of their existence with that. As the weather got colder, they slowly died. But life prevailed. It kept on existing in the fruit, and another life was coded in the seeds in it. No, life didn’t stop with winter. Nature didn’t stop, it only got ready for the next year, a new challenge, and you now understood that you had to do the same.

Death didn’t end anything, not finally. The life a human being lived for years couldn’t be erased with a last breath. It lived on in the bereaved, and the legacy was passed on to the future. It was the nature of things, and the most soothing reality you had ever come to understand.

 

– – –

 

Now it is summer again. You are sitting on the back porch, in your recliner, and you look at your garden. Everything is so green. It isn’t half as magnificent as it used to be years ago. You don’t have as much energy to put into your garden as you had back then when Marco was still alive. But it is still wonderful. It pleases you, and fills you with satisfaction.

The temperature is slowly getting lower with each day, and you can feel autumn getting closer. You know that soon, it will be time for harvest again. And then, winter would come.

Your last winter. You can’t tell how, but you know it. And you are ready. You know that it won’t be the end. You will only get somewhere else. A new place, a new challenge. You will be ready for it and face it with an open mind and an open heart. You aren’t afraid of death. You will welcome it with grace, just like Marco did, and you will go wherever it takes you. You know that it won’t be your final stop. Life will carry on, and you won’t be forgotten.

Your soul will leave this world, but it won’t just disappear. You know that. It has to be that way. There is afterlife, and you know it with certainty. And you know that when you will close your eyes for the final time in this world, and you will wake up somewhere else, you won’t be alone.

Marco will be waiting for you.

 

THE END


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